10/12/2011
Love and laugh baby, there really is no point if you dont. Also know as emo post 1.
In a couple of days it will be 2 months since I went to hospital. I have tried not to dwell on it, but it is always there, the thought that ran through my head as I lay on that gurney "this is it, your going to die" Its a feeling that didn't last long but lasted long enough.
By the time I was sent to the ward my regular optimism returned and i found myself trying to make everyone else feel better but of course it was all a ruse.
Fear.
I felt it in my belly, in the pit of my stomach reserved for moments when someone close to you dies and you think how are we going to cope, how am i going to cope. Fear for my kids, fear for my wife, my mum my family and my friends that they would have to go through this and i wouldn't be around to help. That i myself was a burden to them at this my hour of need for want of a better word. I was afraid that i would never hear my kids laugh or cry or whine, never feel their tiny hands wrapped around my neck as i carried to to sleep or feel them holding my hands as we took one of our walks. Afraid that TLOMY would have to carry the load so to speak and that my young kids would never know me or my history. Fear that this was something i could not fix. Fear that i have done nothing in life.
Do i still feel afraid? yes every twinge or ache of my arm and i feel it. That god damn fear.
Everyone tries to make me better, eat this drink this do this or do that and it helps it really does. I am constantly reminded and this is for my own good i know. Normal is not what it used to be i have to tell myself, change does not come easy. my life is awash with cliches (there ya go)
I sleep less at night now simply because i don't want to go to bed. I want to fill my hours with as much as i can while i can, do i nap yes do i want to wake up later yes that's because my body cant take what my mind is dishing. I want to go everywhere i want to do everything i want to be awake and moving all the time. I don't think i have spent two consecutive nights without going somewhere and just staying at home. I want my kids to sleep with me every night. I want to cuddle them and hug them and have them wake up in the morning and see me there, knowing that if they nudged me or whispered in my ear i would wake up.
What else is there?
ah yes the past...the fiend that one just cant leave behind.
I think often of friendships gone and really this is nothing new for me, a life littered with the wrappings of once great relationships. Do i regret things like that? i don't regret most of them but i do regret not doing more to fix these things when they became a problem. Am i saddened by them yes that is no doubt i am.
If i had to describe myself?
I am a fixer, people come to me with their problems and i give advise. that's what i do and sometimes that's all i am in a relationship the guy that listens and gives advice and when the problems go away so does the friendship. It annoys TLOML but its my one skill, like a gypsy who reads palms, i read problems and issue my own phsyco babble and maybe it makes people feel better and maybe it makes sense but it still means that when things pick up i am expected to pack up. I used to say jokingly "" i don't do happy"". I think i like the feeling that it gives me, that there is some value, to me and confidence that hey i am the go to guy for this he/she/they come to me and it means i am someone that can fix things. That oh so false sense of worth, i also like to think that i really want to help. I cant turn it off. Rightly or wrongly i am compelled to open my mouth and say what i think.
Is this relevant to anything else in this post yes, because i think if i had a fixer for myself some of those friendships that litter my past would still be friendships that matter. And maybe if i didnt try so hard to fix everyones problems i would be able to fix mine. Some days i want someone to spout nothing but'its ok you will be fine and its going to be great"sometimes i too need to be fixed (laugh all you want at that one)
Is life bad?
No not in the least, the worst of my problems and the least of other peoples, my joys outweigh my sorrows which luckly are few though large. I have a great wife, awesome kids, a wondefull family and friends that most people can only dream about, work? well someone had to mention it, that still sucks but hey whats a guy to do.
And in conclusion...
its very satisfying to note that there isnt one. Tough.
By the time I was sent to the ward my regular optimism returned and i found myself trying to make everyone else feel better but of course it was all a ruse.
Fear.
I felt it in my belly, in the pit of my stomach reserved for moments when someone close to you dies and you think how are we going to cope, how am i going to cope. Fear for my kids, fear for my wife, my mum my family and my friends that they would have to go through this and i wouldn't be around to help. That i myself was a burden to them at this my hour of need for want of a better word. I was afraid that i would never hear my kids laugh or cry or whine, never feel their tiny hands wrapped around my neck as i carried to to sleep or feel them holding my hands as we took one of our walks. Afraid that TLOMY would have to carry the load so to speak and that my young kids would never know me or my history. Fear that this was something i could not fix. Fear that i have done nothing in life.
Do i still feel afraid? yes every twinge or ache of my arm and i feel it. That god damn fear.
Everyone tries to make me better, eat this drink this do this or do that and it helps it really does. I am constantly reminded and this is for my own good i know. Normal is not what it used to be i have to tell myself, change does not come easy. my life is awash with cliches (there ya go)
I sleep less at night now simply because i don't want to go to bed. I want to fill my hours with as much as i can while i can, do i nap yes do i want to wake up later yes that's because my body cant take what my mind is dishing. I want to go everywhere i want to do everything i want to be awake and moving all the time. I don't think i have spent two consecutive nights without going somewhere and just staying at home. I want my kids to sleep with me every night. I want to cuddle them and hug them and have them wake up in the morning and see me there, knowing that if they nudged me or whispered in my ear i would wake up.
What else is there?
ah yes the past...the fiend that one just cant leave behind.
I think often of friendships gone and really this is nothing new for me, a life littered with the wrappings of once great relationships. Do i regret things like that? i don't regret most of them but i do regret not doing more to fix these things when they became a problem. Am i saddened by them yes that is no doubt i am.
If i had to describe myself?
I am a fixer, people come to me with their problems and i give advise. that's what i do and sometimes that's all i am in a relationship the guy that listens and gives advice and when the problems go away so does the friendship. It annoys TLOML but its my one skill, like a gypsy who reads palms, i read problems and issue my own phsyco babble and maybe it makes people feel better and maybe it makes sense but it still means that when things pick up i am expected to pack up. I used to say jokingly "" i don't do happy"". I think i like the feeling that it gives me, that there is some value, to me and confidence that hey i am the go to guy for this he/she/they come to me and it means i am someone that can fix things. That oh so false sense of worth, i also like to think that i really want to help. I cant turn it off. Rightly or wrongly i am compelled to open my mouth and say what i think.
Is this relevant to anything else in this post yes, because i think if i had a fixer for myself some of those friendships that litter my past would still be friendships that matter. And maybe if i didnt try so hard to fix everyones problems i would be able to fix mine. Some days i want someone to spout nothing but'its ok you will be fine and its going to be great"sometimes i too need to be fixed (laugh all you want at that one)
Is life bad?
No not in the least, the worst of my problems and the least of other peoples, my joys outweigh my sorrows which luckly are few though large. I have a great wife, awesome kids, a wondefull family and friends that most people can only dream about, work? well someone had to mention it, that still sucks but hey whats a guy to do.
And in conclusion...
its very satisfying to note that there isnt one. Tough.
10/04/2011
Life on the Farm.
The Grower and his son.
the Grower and his seedlings
the watering system, recycles, filters and adds minerals to the water supply.
The best veg i have seen.
i really like these two pics.
Ye Farm Cat
This is the back of the farm, if we are lucky its also the venue for our next jungle stroll.KLCC
Good high rise architecture should be functional, wow and have public spaces that work almost as if the building has a gravitational pull of its on. KLCC is trumps on all 3 counts (okok I am assuming it is functional and i left out being "green"). No photograph can capture the almost emotional experince of seeing an beautiful building for the first time. at least not for me.
Base Jumpers= Nut Jobs.
The Kl Tower stands 335 m tall and in the first few moments of us checking into our hotel as Sherwin was enjoying the view he shouted someone jumped! and we all rushed to the window to watch thankfully as a parachute opened. Of course we had to get a closer look. These guys are crazy they were jumping off this tower, running and i mean running back to jump again.
10/03/2011
Tea Time
As you can see i left the plant in the bowl. no honey no lemon. nice and hot.http://www.completely-crete.com/greek-mountain-tea.html
The plant and flowers that form Greek Mountain Tea, grow wild on the Greek Island of Crete, and the tea is drunk as part of the world renowned Cretan Diet, promoting good health and long life. The plant grows wild on the mountainside throughout Crete, including the White Mountains area in Chania.
Greek Mountain Tea is known as Tsai Tou Vounou or Malotira and is made using the dried leaves and flowers of the Sideritis syriaca plant. The beverage derived from this plant is also known as Shepherd's Tea because Greek shepherds would use the plants to make a brewed tea while tending their flocks high in the hills.
The tea is a pure and natural product, and the wild-grown plants are harvested by hand. It is free of any artificial ingredients, colourings or flavourings, and is NOT subject to any forced or inorganic farming techniques.
 MALOTIRA GREEK MOUNTAIN TEA |
Scientists seem to be in agreement with those Yiayias! Research has indicated that the Greek Mountain Tea helps in the prevention of osteoporosis while its anti-oxidant properties aid in the prevention of cancer. The research also indicates that Greek Mountain Tea has a positive effect on almost anything that ails.
Traditionally, it is used in combating colds and flu, respiratory problems, aiding digestion, strengthening the immune system, and calming mild anxiety. It is also used as an anti-inflammatory and to reduce fever.
It is also a diuretic and aids digestion too which makes it a vital and perfect ingredient to help with weight loss.
Either drink as is, or add a slice of lemon and/or cinnamon to make an interesting variation.
Kl Street Stalker 2
The moral of the story is not to push the scene but wait for the scene to come to you. Yet again the same lesson drummed into my head.
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