Love and laugh baby, there really is no point if you dont. Also know as emo post 1.

In a couple of days it will be 2 months since I went to hospital. I have tried not to dwell on it, but it is always there, the thought that ran through my head as I lay on that gurney "this is it, your going to die" Its a feeling that didn't last long but lasted long enough.

By the time I was sent to the ward my regular optimism returned and i found myself trying to make everyone else feel better but of course it was all a ruse.

Fear.
I felt it in my belly, in the pit of my stomach reserved for moments when someone close to you dies and you think how are we going to cope, how am i going to cope. Fear for my kids, fear for my wife, my mum my family and my friends that they would have to go through this and i wouldn't be around to help. That i myself was a burden to them at this my hour of need for want of a better word. I was afraid that i would never hear my kids laugh or cry or whine, never feel their tiny hands wrapped around my neck as i carried to to sleep or feel them holding my hands as we took one of our walks. Afraid that TLOMY would have to carry the load so to speak and that my young kids would never know me or my history. Fear that this was something i could not fix. Fear that i have done nothing in life.

Do i still feel afraid? yes every twinge or ache of my arm and i feel it. That god damn fear.

Everyone tries to make me better, eat this drink this do this or do that and it helps it really does. I am constantly reminded and this is for my own good i know. Normal is not what it used to be i have to tell myself, change does not come easy. my life is awash with cliches (there ya go)

I sleep less at night now simply because i don't want to go to bed. I want to fill my hours with as much as i can while i can, do i nap yes do i want to wake up later yes that's because my body cant take what my mind is dishing. I want to go everywhere i want to do everything i want to be awake and moving all the time. I don't think i have spent two consecutive nights without going somewhere and just staying at home. I want my kids to sleep with me every night. I want to cuddle them and hug them and have them wake up in the morning and see me there, knowing that if they nudged me or whispered in my ear i would wake up.

What else is there?
ah yes the past...the fiend that one just cant leave behind.

I think often of friendships gone and really this is nothing new for me, a life littered with the wrappings of once great relationships. Do i regret things like that? i don't regret most of them but i do regret not doing more to fix these things when they became a problem. Am i saddened by them yes that is no doubt i am.

If i had to describe myself?

I am a fixer, people come to me with their problems and i give advise. that's what i do and sometimes that's all i am in a relationship the guy that listens and gives advice and when the problems go away so does the friendship. It annoys TLOML but its my one skill, like a gypsy who reads palms, i read problems and issue my own phsyco babble and maybe it makes people feel better and maybe it makes sense but it still means that when things pick up i am expected to pack up. I used to say jokingly "" i don't do happy"". I think i like the feeling that it gives me, that there is some value, to me and confidence that hey i am the go to guy for this he/she/they come to me and it means i am someone that can fix things. That oh so false sense of worth, i also like to think that i really want to help. I cant turn it off. Rightly or wrongly i am compelled to open my mouth and say what i think.

Is this relevant to anything else in this post yes, because i think if i had a fixer for myself some of those friendships that litter my past would still be friendships that matter. And maybe if i didnt try so hard to fix everyones problems i would be able to fix mine. Some days i want someone to spout nothing but'its ok you will be fine and its going to be great"sometimes i too need to be fixed (laugh all you want at that one)

Is life bad?
No not in the least, the worst of my problems and the least of other peoples, my joys outweigh my sorrows which luckly are few though large. I have a great wife, awesome kids, a wondefull family and friends that most people can only dream about, work? well someone had to mention it, that still sucks but hey whats a guy to do.

And in conclusion...

its very satisfying to note that there isnt one. Tough.