nostalgia in green

nostalgia describes a longing for the past, often in idealized form.

By nature i find it easier to look back rather then foward, its how i am built. I find comfort in the past, its what I know. The future to me is always a dark void where anything can go wrong, where i have no control but the past? heh thats my playground.

I went back for a day of reservist today, well half a day. While it wasnt the first time i had been back to stagmont camp since i left the army all those years ago, i was and am filled with the knowledge that my time as a reservist is running out (idealized lol) and soon the places i roamed as a young soldier will no longer be there for me to go and reminisce. Today i took it all in, i watched the young men running around the parade square looking busy, i saw boys cleaning their equipment where i used to, i saw young privates sitting on the same spot i sat.
Was i ever that young, was i ever that gung ho, did i think i was going to change the world or save it? Did i think that my small role in the military machine would make a difference that would be spoken of for all time. Probably lol but i was always an optimistic sort of fellow

In the cab on the way to camp i was stuck not for the first time by the differences that surround the camp, new schools new buildings all is different on stagmont hill.

I remember my father dropping me off at the gate or my bil driving me back to camp on a sunday night. I remeber that feeling, that lil sense of depression in your belly we call "book in blues" it lasted till you got to your bunk. I remember my buddies some of whom i was with throughout my 2 years in the army, none of whom i have seen since the day i left. I regret that. We went through so many shared experiences, a couple of trips to Taiwan(including a brawl at taipei's hard rock cafe that required our slipping out before the cops got there), Philipines(where our vehicle was stonned and snipers watched our every move on the runway at the airport) god knows how many nights in the field oh those nights in the field..its never like the movies its always raining its always hot you never know where your going but you have to hurry to get there. In Taiwan we used to sit on the roof top at night and talk about what we wanted from life, what we wanted to do, our hopes and our dreams the 5 of us were nothing alike but we were the same. I'll never forget the last few nights i spent in the army, none of us could sleep, but none of us could talk we knew we wanted it to end but we new it would be the end of what we had. My friend Lim Boon Chiong would smoke like a chimney, my buddy Tan Kar Lin a vegetarian (i could not convert him no matter what) would sit back and just stare out at the sky, i would pace up and down with lots of heavy sighing much to the annoyance of wong yuet kai (the duck eater we called him) and tay(would was scared to speak cause lim told him if he said anything he would die lol) on our last day we said nothing we all started to talk but in the end hugs were exchanged and in a nice bit of fun we saluted each other and silently went on with our lives.

It felt strange walking past the chin up bars (that hated implement of modern torture) across the parade sqaure and noticing for the first time that they had chopped down the big trees in front of what was my bunk .The chilly wind would brush the leaves against the windows at night and in the morning before dawn when the air was cool and sleep was pleasurable you would be awoken by the cries of thousands of crows as they awoke from ther slumber in the treetops, this would always be followed by a cacophony of curses (some of which till this day i know not the meaning).


I wish i had written down, all i had done in those days i wish i had kept in touch with my kaki i wish i knew then what i know now, if i had i would not have been so wary about the future.